When Will the Skies Turn Blue?

I have been down on myself recently and I do not know whether it is because I cannot seem to find my self-worth or if it is the gray weather that we continue to have. I have been looking for a job for just about a year now, maybe not looking as hard as I should have, only due to a place in Guelph telling me in October that they want to meet with me in the spring, and the wait is killing me. I have not really been looking too hard at other places because this is the town that I would like to move to and live. There is a university there so I can take my dietician course there if I should feel so ambitious to go through another 4 years of school.

Since I have not heard back from them since October I feel as though they have forgotten me and I need to email them back, but I do not want to sound pushy as it is not even technically spring yet. So I will wait.  But in the mean time I am still working at the hard ware store where I am training all the new recruits and am answering questions that my managers don’t even know, feeling like a big fish in a small pond, maybe I have been there too long. You would think it would be fulfilling to know all or just about all and know everyone. But retail just is not it for me, nor is my condescending boss.

The other night I was sweeping the floor when my boss came up to me and we had a conversation that went like this:

Boss man: So you never told me what your plans are with this place, do you plan on working your way up?

Naive me: Well, I graduated last June and have been looking for jobs related in my field, but am having no such luck as of yet.

Boss man: Since June!!

Naive me (trying to make myself look less pathetic): Well there is a place in Guelph that contacted me in October, but they are not opening until May. So I am waiting for them, and have been applying in the mean time.

Customer comes to end this awful dug myself into a grave of never getting a raise or promotion hole.

Later that week I told Justin about this conversation and he had told me that my boss man has been wanting to give me a part-time position for a little while now. That would include a raise, benefits and constant hours. Dammit, I should have just said that the future was unclear or something. Something that would have assured me wanting to stay at this job. But oh well had he even talked to my previous boss who left on mat leave just last week, he would have known all that about me, because blabber mouth me told her all about it.

But it made me feel a little down on myself when his expression was so shocked that I have been looking for work elsewhere for almost a year. Am I that unemployable? Or are there just no jobs? Maybe I am just looking in the wrong places.

How do you know?!

How the hell do you know if someone is a lesbian?

There is this girl that I work with who gives me feelings in my stomach, knees, toes, arms, fingers, and all the other parts of my body that tingle when you feel something for someone. I have not felt this way in a very, very, very long time. I can smell her when she walks by me, I hope that she is working at the same time that I am, I try to make eye contact and smile at her whenever I see her. I try to be oblivious because I do not want to give the ‘I’m checking you out every time I get a chance’ vibe. Today she walked passed me and asked me if I wanted a coffee from Tim’s to wake me up a bit (I must have really looked like death today for her to ask me that). As mundane as that question was it sent chills all over my body. I was talking to her best friend who coincidently also works with me but whom I talk to a lot more frequently, and told me that she is shocked that she smiles at me as much as she does because she never smiles at anyone. Too bad that the girl who told me that does not know that I am gay…it could give me a better gage as to what the girl I have a crush on is like. (I should really give these people names, I’m sure that would make it easier to follow, but I’ll see how this goes for now).

Her birthday was in October, and she personally invited me to her house for her party. At this point I was a little shocked because we have barely said two non-work related words to each other and now she was asking me to come over. So I took Justin and we went. I stood in the kitchen the whole time talking with different people, and going deeper into a drunken slumber. That was just until before we left, I started rambling to everyone about being a vegetarian for a year. To which she mouthed “I love you, you’re my favourite”. But I took that with a grain of salt because she probably just liked the fact that I was rambling on and she never really hears me talk and the fact that I got really shy as soon as I realized that everyone in the room was staring at me and I stopped talking.

Secondly I had a birthday party at my house two weekends ago to which she came to. Again I was rambling on about this and that. At this party I got a hug from her before she left, but I always give out hugs before people leave, but this one was more special, cause I wanted it more.

It is funny because she used to hang out with my brother way before I ever knew her, so she was telling me how weird it was coming back to the place she used to party at when she was 17 or 18. I find it weird that I am crushing on someone who my brother knows and used to hang out with.

To get to my first question because I feel as though I am just rambling on now, is that I don’t know if she is a lesbian, or if I am just hoping she is because of the way she makes me feel. I don’t have any hard facts that she is or even could be. I think her kindness is my wishful thinking. I wish I could say that when her friend told me she is surprised that she smiles at me as much as she does, it means something more, but she doesn’t know that I’m a lesbian either, so that would be wrong to think that.

She seems to be attracted to the same guys that I would typically go for. Maybe we just have the same taste in men, and other things? We are very similar in many ways. That’s that kind of leads me to her also be a lesbian, but then again some people are like me and are straight. I think that I am trying too hard to make it something it is not.

What are some hints that I am missing out on? Anything? Maybe I am looking too hard?

Not Quick Enough

All of my life I got everything done as fast as I could. When I turned 16 I got my G1 drivers license, and was in driving school on my birthday which happened to be on a Saturday that year. Eight months later I got my G2 class license. This meant that I could drive by myself, and when I was 17, one year after I got my G2, I got my G, which means it is the last drivers test I have to have and I was a fully legal driver, and insurance rates start to drop off after having it for so many years, I think five but I could be wrong about that.

When I graduated high school I immediately jumped into university. I didn’t know what I wanted to take so I went for a teaching degree. Quickly after my first year and hating it, I was looking into different programs and different schools. I found a Health Administration program at the same school that was being implemented that September. So I switched into that program for the next four years. After five years of university I graduated. Now I am looking for a job and am having no luck with it. I think that I am becoming frustrated with looking for it because it isn’t coming as fast as I would like it to. I have wanted to move out for quite some time and since I cannot find a job I am being delayed.

I have thought that maybe this means that a good thing is about to happen because “good things come to those who wait”, or I have to look harder.  I will look harder for now and hope for the best as soon as possible. Maybe I just have to be more patient.

On another note….

Happy Thanksgiving to all my fellow Canadians! =)

If Only…

As soon as I met her I knew she was the one for me, the one who could bring me up when I was feeling down, the one who could make me laugh, make me want to  be around her all the time. I wanted to study with her, text her non stop. She was perfect. She would always talk about her dreams and outlooks on life. She was so adventurous, a gypsies if you will, she would tell me about her longing of living in a different province, city even country for a bit to try it out. She always told me about her enthusiasm for self improvement and how she would accomplish the goals that she set out for herself. To me she set the impression of a fearless warrior. Always up for something new and exciting, wouldn’t let the small things get to her. I longed to be with her, but the unfortunate reality is that she is not gay, she let me know this by the way that she would talk about guys. How she wished she could find a good guy, all the guys that were into her were already with someone, and she did not desire to be the home-wrecker. I would sympathize with men who tried and failed because of the relationships they were in. They could not attain her nor could I. I held on to the friendship for dear life so that I could learn from her and become a person of more desire for the next person. I learned so much from her, and what I want in a person. My only hope is to find someone as wonderfully gracious and interesting as she.