Where’s its Magic?

 

A few weeks ago I was talking to a guy that I work with who is a couple years younger than me, I was asking him how school was going and when he would be graduating. He told me that he was in his third year and could not wait to be done. He asked me what it was like to be all done. This got me thinking. I remember being in third year and only having one year to go and then freedom, pure freedom and real life awaited. This also scared the shit out of me. Like everything school needed to end so I could see what the rest of the world was like.

I told him that it was nice to not have to worry about writing papers, or study for tests anymore. There was no real stress in my life other than not being able to find a decent job and move out after a year of being out of school. Then I told him that holidays kind of lose meaning after being out of school. Not that I hate spending time with my family but I work right through them and they are just a day off. When I was in school I longed for Christmas break because that meant two weeks off, no school work to worry about and during those two weeks I got showered with gifts due to Christmas and then party like there was no tomorrow for New Years. Now that I am not in school, I know that there is no two week break, I get Christmas day off, New Years Day off and back to work. I think that it was the first Christmas ever that I was not that excited that it was Christmas.

Even with Easter being this weekend, I wasn’t excited or thrilled as I used to be when I was in school. I went with my parents to my grandma’s yesterday. Since she moved into an apartment it was small and we were all sitting in her living room for much of the day. Thank God we took my dog with us; it let me excuse myself to take her out for a walk and a pee every couple of hours. I walked around the town that I was unfamiliar with and got to see different sights. Then I would return and sit in the chair and listen to grownup boring conversation.

My friends were texting me telling me all about their dinners and how much food they were devouring while I was unsure that I was getting an Easter dinner. We ended up going to a diner for supper with my aunt that came over. Then we all went back to my grandma’s apartment and talked about religion until 9pm at which point we left.

Even though I did not get to have a fancy dinner, I got to spend time with my family. It may not be what I remember as a child as a great Easter but I guess that is part of growing up. You start to see things as not so magical. When one of my older friends used say “it’s just another day” when I asked how a holiday went, I used to feel sad for him, but now I get it.

So if I ever talk to that guy at work again I will tell him to enjoy school and all its breaks not to be so eager to get out into the real world, it’s not as magical as it may seem.

The Word Gay

My cousin posted this on my wall this morning.

She is so well spoken and intelligent.

When Will the Skies Turn Blue?

I have been down on myself recently and I do not know whether it is because I cannot seem to find my self-worth or if it is the gray weather that we continue to have. I have been looking for a job for just about a year now, maybe not looking as hard as I should have, only due to a place in Guelph telling me in October that they want to meet with me in the spring, and the wait is killing me. I have not really been looking too hard at other places because this is the town that I would like to move to and live. There is a university there so I can take my dietician course there if I should feel so ambitious to go through another 4 years of school.

Since I have not heard back from them since October I feel as though they have forgotten me and I need to email them back, but I do not want to sound pushy as it is not even technically spring yet. So I will wait.  But in the mean time I am still working at the hard ware store where I am training all the new recruits and am answering questions that my managers don’t even know, feeling like a big fish in a small pond, maybe I have been there too long. You would think it would be fulfilling to know all or just about all and know everyone. But retail just is not it for me, nor is my condescending boss.

The other night I was sweeping the floor when my boss came up to me and we had a conversation that went like this:

Boss man: So you never told me what your plans are with this place, do you plan on working your way up?

Naive me: Well, I graduated last June and have been looking for jobs related in my field, but am having no such luck as of yet.

Boss man: Since June!!

Naive me (trying to make myself look less pathetic): Well there is a place in Guelph that contacted me in October, but they are not opening until May. So I am waiting for them, and have been applying in the mean time.

Customer comes to end this awful dug myself into a grave of never getting a raise or promotion hole.

Later that week I told Justin about this conversation and he had told me that my boss man has been wanting to give me a part-time position for a little while now. That would include a raise, benefits and constant hours. Dammit, I should have just said that the future was unclear or something. Something that would have assured me wanting to stay at this job. But oh well had he even talked to my previous boss who left on mat leave just last week, he would have known all that about me, because blabber mouth me told her all about it.

But it made me feel a little down on myself when his expression was so shocked that I have been looking for work elsewhere for almost a year. Am I that unemployable? Or are there just no jobs? Maybe I am just looking in the wrong places.

Some People Never Change

I started volunteering at a retirement home yesterday. I went again today. I always wondered what high school bullies looked like when they got older. I thought that they would grow out of it and become nice over time. With time come wisdom, but I guess I was wrong. I was sitting with one of the residents and she pointed out to me two women who bullied her when she first arrived. They were complaining to her about how big her chair was and telling her that she was not welcome to sit at their table. She was a little put off of the home because she thought she was not welcome, but as time passed she sat back and watched their behaviour with other residents and she came to some realizations. She noticed that if any women came to the table they would natter at them until they left, but if a man were to sit with them, they would welcome him with welcome arms.

 

That got me thinking about how they were as teenagers and younger in life. Were they the ‘hot’, popular girls that everyone was afraid of? Is this something that they will never grow out of? Here they are in their 70’s and are acting like selfish teenagers. I was and still am confused and upset by their behaviours. I guess the saying is true, “some people never change.” 

How do you know?!

How the hell do you know if someone is a lesbian?

There is this girl that I work with who gives me feelings in my stomach, knees, toes, arms, fingers, and all the other parts of my body that tingle when you feel something for someone. I have not felt this way in a very, very, very long time. I can smell her when she walks by me, I hope that she is working at the same time that I am, I try to make eye contact and smile at her whenever I see her. I try to be oblivious because I do not want to give the ‘I’m checking you out every time I get a chance’ vibe. Today she walked passed me and asked me if I wanted a coffee from Tim’s to wake me up a bit (I must have really looked like death today for her to ask me that). As mundane as that question was it sent chills all over my body. I was talking to her best friend who coincidently also works with me but whom I talk to a lot more frequently, and told me that she is shocked that she smiles at me as much as she does because she never smiles at anyone. Too bad that the girl who told me that does not know that I am gay…it could give me a better gage as to what the girl I have a crush on is like. (I should really give these people names, I’m sure that would make it easier to follow, but I’ll see how this goes for now).

Her birthday was in October, and she personally invited me to her house for her party. At this point I was a little shocked because we have barely said two non-work related words to each other and now she was asking me to come over. So I took Justin and we went. I stood in the kitchen the whole time talking with different people, and going deeper into a drunken slumber. That was just until before we left, I started rambling to everyone about being a vegetarian for a year. To which she mouthed “I love you, you’re my favourite”. But I took that with a grain of salt because she probably just liked the fact that I was rambling on and she never really hears me talk and the fact that I got really shy as soon as I realized that everyone in the room was staring at me and I stopped talking.

Secondly I had a birthday party at my house two weekends ago to which she came to. Again I was rambling on about this and that. At this party I got a hug from her before she left, but I always give out hugs before people leave, but this one was more special, cause I wanted it more.

It is funny because she used to hang out with my brother way before I ever knew her, so she was telling me how weird it was coming back to the place she used to party at when she was 17 or 18. I find it weird that I am crushing on someone who my brother knows and used to hang out with.

To get to my first question because I feel as though I am just rambling on now, is that I don’t know if she is a lesbian, or if I am just hoping she is because of the way she makes me feel. I don’t have any hard facts that she is or even could be. I think her kindness is my wishful thinking. I wish I could say that when her friend told me she is surprised that she smiles at me as much as she does, it means something more, but she doesn’t know that I’m a lesbian either, so that would be wrong to think that.

She seems to be attracted to the same guys that I would typically go for. Maybe we just have the same taste in men, and other things? We are very similar in many ways. That’s that kind of leads me to her also be a lesbian, but then again some people are like me and are straight. I think that I am trying too hard to make it something it is not.

What are some hints that I am missing out on? Anything? Maybe I am looking too hard?

Reality kinda sucks…

So there is a guy at my work, Justin, he is a really good friend at work and he has been flirting with me for a few months now. A few people at work have told me that he likes and wants to ask me out. I told them that I was flattered but I did not see him that way, because they do not know that I am a lesbian yet. Finally the flirting got more intense, we were hanging out a lot more, and everyone at work started asking us if we were going out. As I denied it, he just went along with it. And when I say everyone was asking, I mean I had managers who I never talk to were asking me. Every time that Justin and I would talk or even be within eye shot from each other people would look with questioning eyes, as if to say “you don’t need to hide it anymore”.

Needless to say last weekend I was at a party and Justin was at another, we were fairly intoxicated and texting. He was flirting with me as per usual and said that since everyone at work already thinks that we are dating that we should just make it official. I immediately told him that I had something to tell him. The conversation went like this:

Me: ok there is something I have to tell you about myself

Justin: shoot!

Me: I’m gay

Justin: I believe the proper word is lesbian.

Me: lmao that would be the word. Gah I’m so happy I told you.

Justin: haha I never would have guessed! You had me fooled. I’m still going to hit on you though. This doesn’t change anything!  : )

I was so relieved that I got that off my shoulders and told him, but at the same time he is acting more distant at work. I don’t know if I freaked him out, or if he is hurt because he liked me so much and now knows that he doesn’t have a chance with me. You know when someone is heartbroken and they just don’t seem like themselves when they are around you? That’s what I feel around him. We have never talked about it in person yet, and I have no idea what he is feeling. We talk about other things avoiding the whole subject, I think that I am the one who is supposed to bring it up but I just don’t want to. Is that bad?

I know I shouldn’t feel bad but I almost think that I should have just not said anything and let him live in his made up world where we were going out and everything was dandy. Although I know that I did the right thing, it had to be done. There is no sense in living in a make believe world right?

Not Quick Enough

All of my life I got everything done as fast as I could. When I turned 16 I got my G1 drivers license, and was in driving school on my birthday which happened to be on a Saturday that year. Eight months later I got my G2 class license. This meant that I could drive by myself, and when I was 17, one year after I got my G2, I got my G, which means it is the last drivers test I have to have and I was a fully legal driver, and insurance rates start to drop off after having it for so many years, I think five but I could be wrong about that.

When I graduated high school I immediately jumped into university. I didn’t know what I wanted to take so I went for a teaching degree. Quickly after my first year and hating it, I was looking into different programs and different schools. I found a Health Administration program at the same school that was being implemented that September. So I switched into that program for the next four years. After five years of university I graduated. Now I am looking for a job and am having no luck with it. I think that I am becoming frustrated with looking for it because it isn’t coming as fast as I would like it to. I have wanted to move out for quite some time and since I cannot find a job I am being delayed.

I have thought that maybe this means that a good thing is about to happen because “good things come to those who wait”, or I have to look harder.  I will look harder for now and hope for the best as soon as possible. Maybe I just have to be more patient.

On another note….

Happy Thanksgiving to all my fellow Canadians! =)

Where is the Progress?

Was it not too long ago that we were fighting against segregation? It looks as though things have taken a step back in Toronto where they want to open their first all-gay high school. Does this not seem like a backwards step into the future of equality? Or is it just me? I can see the positives of having a school that is welcoming, open, and willing to teach kids the history of homosexuality but I cannot help but think it would further push them away from the rest of society.

One of the first thoughts that ran through my mind was; when you are picking a high school to go to, you want to go to one that you can blend in with. If you are not out as a person, then your first pick would not be the all-gay high school, it would be that public one down the street from where you live, or where all your friends are going. Then if there are sports teams, and they are playing against other schools could you imagine the ridicule that that school would get from less tolerant people? They would be an easy target. I think that if they socialized kids to be tolerant human beings in the classes that they are already in, in the schools that are already there, there would be no need to centre them out in another school.

Any sort of segregation in my eyes is harmful, if gays and lesbians want to be seen as equals and as no different than everyone else, then I think that being in schools that accept everyone and have a mash up of all different kinds of people is the way to go. I have many tolerant friends and we all went to the same high schools, where everyone was regarded as equal no matter your status. We turned out to be just fine and accepting. It may have taken me a little longer to come out to my friends but when I did, it was no big deal to them; they acted no different than before and I got no special treatment. I think that if they take the resources that they already have and implement them into the curriculum then they will do just fine and dandy.

I went to a catholic high school and I remember learning about tolerance in grade 10 religion, and that was 7 years ago, so I can just imagine the progress that the schools have taken in the mean time. As new blood enters the work force and time and issues move forward I think that it will be less of a ‘thing’ that “ouu you’re gay”, and become more of an everyday normality. We just have to let time take its place and just teach our kids to become open-minded.

 

http://www.torontosun.com/2012/09/26/calls-for-first-all-gay-high-school-in-toronto

The Talk

I went to my grandmas a few days ago for a visit, my aunt and cousin Patrick were there visiting also. I have not seen either of them since April so it was nice to see them. Patrick and I have always kind of been on awkward terms, which could be due to the lack of seeing each other growing up or just because we are both awkward people. I believe it is the latter of the two but wish it was the former. Anywho, he was asking me about how my head was after falling off the horse last time I was at his house, and then he went on to offer me drinks, and took me outside to show me his skateboard that he just bought because he wanted to learn how to ride one. When we returned inside I proceeded to the bathroom and when I came out he was sitting at the kitchen table doing a crossword that was from the newspaper. I asked him if he was good at them because they are my arch enemy, I can’t do one to save my life. He took that opportunity to tell me that despite what his sister, my cousin who I tell everything to, said about him not being supportive of gays and lesbians he was very okay with my lifestyle. As much as I was not really concerned one way or another about what he thought about me because I do not see him often, it was really comforting that he was so cool with it. He finished with saying that he hopes that I find someone and can live happy with them. It was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, there was a calm that washed over me, it was really weird.

What it made me realize is that you can get relief from just about anywhere. From just being accepted by the least likely people to just being open with a person you barely talk to.

If Only…

As soon as I met her I knew she was the one for me, the one who could bring me up when I was feeling down, the one who could make me laugh, make me want to  be around her all the time. I wanted to study with her, text her non stop. She was perfect. She would always talk about her dreams and outlooks on life. She was so adventurous, a gypsies if you will, she would tell me about her longing of living in a different province, city even country for a bit to try it out. She always told me about her enthusiasm for self improvement and how she would accomplish the goals that she set out for herself. To me she set the impression of a fearless warrior. Always up for something new and exciting, wouldn’t let the small things get to her. I longed to be with her, but the unfortunate reality is that she is not gay, she let me know this by the way that she would talk about guys. How she wished she could find a good guy, all the guys that were into her were already with someone, and she did not desire to be the home-wrecker. I would sympathize with men who tried and failed because of the relationships they were in. They could not attain her nor could I. I held on to the friendship for dear life so that I could learn from her and become a person of more desire for the next person. I learned so much from her, and what I want in a person. My only hope is to find someone as wonderfully gracious and interesting as she.